The Battle Within

Being good is never an easy task. Despite how much each of us want to be good and righteous and “holy” it seems like something we can never really attain. Even when the best of the best do what they think is right is it really? I mean do we ever do anything with a pure heart or do we do what we do so that we might gain the accolades of others, the applause of the masses or the silent approval of our inner heart and heavenly Father? And if you are doing something to get something, is there ever a truly altruistic act in man?

Aw, these are questions and thoughts I ponder daily with little or no real resolution. And honestly, on this side of heaven, I don’t think that we are capable of truly altruistic acts. Now that is not to say that we are not capable of good. I totally believe that we, as created humans made in the image of our Creator, are totally capable of doing good and even being good, but in our best we are still flawed. Our hearts are deceitfully wicked abouve all things.

I totally relate to the apostle paul in Romans 7:7-21 where he says “15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do–this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.”

Why is it that evil reigns in my heart when God to lives there too? Does He not cast out these evil things? Why is there such a pull to the evil? Is it that it is just so good? Is it that it is so tangible? Is it that it is so immediate? I don’t know, but maybe it is all these things. Maybe it is that for a few seconds, but do we have no memory of how miserable we are after it is said and done? Do we not remember how much it hurts us and more importantly, what is at stake each time we choose to disobey? We claim to be the most evolved creatures on the earth, but I would argue that we are very inept at our ability to see things for that they are. We risk life and limb in order to get our “fix”. It may not be that serious for everyone, but the fact is that we all seem to harbor some secret sin that we nestle near our heart and hold on to with the grip of a gymnast on a performance ring.

So what is the motivation for good? Well obviously, if you are a believer, there is a deep sense in which you know you are suppose to be good and “holy.” And though that deep feeling is motivational, it is rarely motivational enough to keep us from doing wrong for a long period of time. It works fine for a day or week or even a few months, but ultimately we’ll fail. There has to be something deeper, something more motivational. I think that in order for us to really follow God we have to do a few things:

1) We need to learn to realize that we are inherently evil. We are born in sin and in sin did our mother conceive us (Ps 51:5). As much as I want to think that I am good, I am not. God knows this and that is why we He sent us a Savior.

2) We have to submit ourselves to the Lord. That’s a great “churchy” statement, but one that really is true. We don’t like submission. We don’t like giving up control. We don’t like pain.

3) We have to discipline ourselves in every aspect of our lives, especially emotionally. We need to take a deeper look at our heart and life and ask why we are medicating our pain with this sin. Why can’t we simply bring these things to Christ? Why can’t we look honestly at ourselves and realize that we have to face the discomfort in order to allow the Healer to truly bring healing in our heart.

I want to stop the sin, stop the pain, stop the self loathing, stop the distance that all of these things cause me with my Father and with the ones that I love. I want freedom. Christ promises that it was for freedom that Christ set us free (Gal 5:1). I want it. I am sick of my sin. I am sick of my lack of discipline. I am sick of medicating my pain with food, with lack of control, with self-hatred. And unfortunately, I don’t seem to be too motivated till I hit the wall. I look in the mirror and I see the shape of my boy or the inability to even fit into the “fat clothes.” I hear people talk of God’s movement in their lives and I know of what they speak, but I haven’t experienced it personally in quite some time. I see the Word and long to hear from my Father, but am often too busy or too lazy or too something to just sit and spend time with Him. I can’t go on like that anymore. The world is too willing to accommodate my demise and I cannot allow it to happen.

I want a holistic approach to life that allows me to be me and allows God to be real and present in my life. That means that I have to acknowledge my sin, surrender my will and discipline my life not out of obligation, but out of my genuine love for God and my sincere love for myself. Its easier to hate me and simply love God but that is not his will for me at all. He wants me to love me just as much as I would love others. Its not selfish, despite how much we may have been thought that it was – it’s the way we were created to be.